Thursday, December 31, 2009

sleepless

@The full moons affect me every month,so it's not surprising I'm up at 6.Have to finish the laundry anyway.Looking forward to inviting spirit in tonight to help me
let go of old patterns.Wishing all of us happiness,health,prosperity and peace of mind.
HAPPY NEW YEAR

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

inHarmony astrology: lunar eclipse in cancer- 12/31/09 at 11:13am PST

inHarmony astrology: lunar eclipse in cancer- 12/31/09 at 11:13am PST

Full Moon Eclipse

Full Moon Eclipse

Don't drop the ball

#Still more clearing to do,not the time to rest on my laurels.I have to move forward
in spite of laziness and or fear.Making room for something new in the coming months,years.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

clearing

# Was planning on cleaning and staying home today anyway.It's freezing outside.
Felt relieved and very clear this morning.There's a sense of ease.I've been praying and acting as if for a while and today I feel free of burdens.Wouldn't surprise me if I threw out a lot of things that are unnecessary.With the new year coming it's a good time for clearing.

Monday, December 28, 2009

commitment

@"Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow."
I'm committed to being successful in business. I'm committed to working for
my own highest good ,and for the highest good of those around me. I have a plan and I'm moving forward with it.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

choices

#"Choose well,your choice is brief,and yet endless"-Goethe
That's the difference between coffee or tea at the diner.LOL
What am I creating today? Who am I inviting to share with me?
Am I honoring my spirit? What do I want the future to look like?
All actions have results. Today I'm aware of what I choose.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Community

#Awoke this morning to a phone call from a friend having a hard time.My job is to listen.That's how we build each other up,no one can carry the burden alone.We help
one another and build something greater than all the parts.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Assessment

#The end of the year is time for assessment.What works what doesn't.seems there's lots I'd like to change.It happens slowly and with lots of effort and help.Meditation has really helped me see in a different light.The only constants I'd like to keep I will.Which is basically a spiritual practice the rest is up for consideration.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Change

#Ready for my life to look different.Ready to rely on God more.Ready to use my talents and abilities in a deeper more meaningful more prosperous way.Ready to think and act bigger than I have been.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Observation

#It's easy to see how others disrespect and destroy themselves,but it's not so easy to see my own destructive behavior.At the deli this morning people couldn't get enough processed food all of them were very obese.The only reason I went down upon awakening was to buy cigarettes.I'd like to quit by New Year's.If I write it here I'm going on record.If I think of it as a gift and not a punishment I have a shot.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Back to work


#Wasn't able to be in the apartment because of the lack of heat.It's back up and so am I.Who knows what fabulousness I'll be able to create today.Was nice having a little time off but ready to start creating again.Great sleeping in my own bed for the first time in a few days also.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Solstice

#i Finally have heat again!At solstice we give up and let go bury in the Earth what
no longer serves us or those about us.
Last night I gave her smoking,victimhood,scarcity,possessiveness,codependancy,unworthiness,expectations of others.
These actions and attributes are cleaned and transmuted in the Earth to be reconfigured and reborn come Spring.It's been a year of learning and growing and I'm grateful.

Friday, December 18, 2009

hobo

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Night out

My friend suggested I stay over being that I have no heat.I did.It's important to let myself be loved by others,and it's equally important to ask for and accept help.
I run in a large and complicated social circle,it's easy to put the focus on others,but ultimately best if I mind my own business not get involved in making their business mine.I'm most serene that way and I desire peace of mind.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Cold

# called 311 yesterday,haven't had heat for 5 days.
Wasn't terrible till now,it's become pretty unbearable.
I feel like a character in a Malamud book.It's one thing to leave the house in the Summer all day,and quite another to have to leave all day in the Winter.
I hope this gets resolved soon.I'm more than a little stressed.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Zone

# I get to dye today.Out of all the actions I get to take for my business none give me greater freedom or joy than the dyeing.
Went to a group meditation last night.The themes were UNITY,PURE LOVE and GRATITUDE.
We are eternal beings,as pieces of the greater whole.We are all truly brothers the more loving and patient I am with you the more loving and patient I am with me.Can we all let go of the illusion that we are separate from each other.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Responsibility

# Off to Brooklyn,getting women's samples to add to the website.It's almost officially Winter and I'm moving slowly.I am moving though,Third day without heat which in a weird way helps me move.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dance

It's good for my soul to dance.Forget about what's in my head.Laugh and be joyous.
It's a renewal.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

SALE!!!

Today and tomorrow
My place
$10 tee shirts and free donuts
696 10th ave
noon till 6

Friday, December 11, 2009

Open

Ready today for whatever spirit has in mind. Not making plans in my head just taking it as it comes.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Getting ready


No more sewing or screening,time to clean.Excited about the sale

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Letting go

Yesterday was full of surprises.Mostly pleasant.When i let go of the illusion that I know best or that I'm in control of anything it all seems to work out.It's all gonna be okay.Let the blessings in.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Habit

I blog when I awaken. How can I take better care of myself today? and form a new habit.

Monday, December 7, 2009

One thing at a time

Feeling pretty calm.It's easy to get overwhelmed.Today I'll concentrate on being in my body and doing one thing at a time.I am the master of my mind,not vice versa.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Building Character

It's cold it's Sunday.I don't want to .My responsibilities will not disappear magically no matter how hard I close my eyes.Gotta do things I don't want to do.
I'll mix in some pleasantries and do em anyway.Now that I wrote it I gotta do it.
At the end of the day I'll have something to show for it.Turn off my thoughts for a while.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Winter

Yesterday everyone said it would snow,but I was living in my own reality.
I awoke early,it's gonna snow.Seems I've been living in a different place than other people lately,just a series of events.That's why I need to check things out with other people to bring me back from thinking I always know the answers.I need to listen more.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Counting my blessings

Such a funny expression,as if there were a limited number of blessings.
There are quite a few people in my life that I can tell anything to.Just completely let go.The only way to learn trust in my experience is to do just that..trust and let go.That's how I am breaking and have broken through the illusion that I or any of us are alone here.We are all together.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Peace

I pray for peace today for myself for the world and for all I come in contact with.
Sometimes I don't get the big picture.Why we don't get along,why one hurts another etc. whether it be individually or a group.Today I just wish peace on all of us.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Full Moon Gemini


This is a good time to attract those of like mind.Good to be open to new people
with common interests and goals,that's what I'll manifest tonight.I have a good feeling about my future and the future of my business.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Today

Didn't sleep much,but I'm ready for the day anyhow.Felt like I was punched in the stomach yesterday.Today is a new day and I need to move on and deal with today.
I'm meeting a photographer and an intern today.Everything is a group effort I don't live in a bubble.My life is reciprocal I give and receive.
Something is different about me years ago when I had a feeling I would be lost in it and let it rule my life.Today I am able to have the feeling feel it in a more complete way,and get on with my duties and responsibilities.Not sure how and why that has changed but it has and I'm grateful.I choose not to fan the flames of hurt feelings it doesn't serve my highest good.

Monday, November 30, 2009

doing something different

I was offended tonight by a friend.I was hurt so I removed myself and took myself to the movies.Instead of making myself more upset.It was a good idea.It was an act of love toward myself.I'll get used to it

Productivity

Yesterday was a full day.I dyed lots of garments,made a gift had a friend over and went to a celebration.i'm at my best when I'm useful and productive.When I don't have enough to do I tend to find my way to my thoughts and many times they are a bit crazy for lack of a better word.I know I'm not alone in this experience,which helps.Just for today I'm going to try and stay busy not crazy busy productive busy.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Self love

Can one blog and go back to bed.Absolutely.lol.I am fortunate in that I have the capacity to love,I am able to demonstrate it through the clothes I create through my service at the store through this blog,and many other ways.I pour forth a lot of my spirit regularly.Goddess is teaching me how to love myself in a more profound way.It's hard to accept I'd rather put others first it's what I'm used to,it stems out of an old false belief of unworthiness.That way I don't have to look at what is deficient in me.I believe it is in my best interest and spirit's best interest and the best interest of my brothers to fill the vessel and operate from that place.It's not as overwhelming as I would like to believe.Besides I have lots of help.
I would like to go on record though I have come to appreciate and understand this need to fill with self love through the act of loving and being loved by my brothers.It's been a long journey of discovery and it's not nearly half way through.Some bags are just to heavy to carry any longer.I guess I'll just let them go.Blessed be.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Wind

It's really windy today.I always feel excited in the wind,something is leaving something new is about to emerge.I have thoughts and ideas about what should come and go,but I'm always surprised.I try to impose my will on situations but that rarely works out.I don't really have much control over anything I just have to show up and observe,be loving,patient and let go.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Being in it

Not sure how the day is going to unfold but I decided I'm gonna be in it.I don't know what that means exactly.I'm feeling adventurous.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving

What I'm most thankful for this year is the amazing transformation I've been going through.My hope is that from this year forward I'll be able to give and receive LOVE
in a way that I never even dreamed of in the past.My goal is to be able to have open house every Thanksgiving.God bless us all.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Opening

If I desire more esteem I do more estimable actions.If I want to experience love I do more loving actions.Sometimes I need to pretend I'm someone else I have to act more like a friend to myself.This little trick has worked well for me.
I put out love and patience and kindness to the best of my ability toward others on a regular basis.Spirit is trying to show me that I need to give theses gifts to myself,I'm so used to feeling and acting unworthy[on the inside]this doesn't work anymore.
I need to get off the cross,the pedestal,the stage and become a member of the chorus.
It's scary and unfamiliar,I'm up for the challenge.
Tired of swimming upstream,let go or be dragged.The most humbling part is
I'm always the last to know.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

taking directions

Slept really well,I usually don't honestly.Have been crazy in my head as of late.I'm beginning to realize and accept[a little] that I don't hold as much love for myself as I could.{that's an understatement]Much of my life I've lived in a state of deprivation.
I'm trying to hold more love for myself and it seems very foreign.
I asked for help,I'm good at that.I spoke to a friend last night he recommended that I ask for help from the angelic realm,the arc angels so I did.I took the direction,I take directions when my way doesn't work any longer.
I've come to this place in my life where I really have to look at some core false beliefs,and change them for my own highest good and for the good of those around me,it seems very daunting,I've done more for less.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Divine Feminine (Adi Shakti): The Kingdom Of God

Divine Feminine (Adi Shakti): The Kingdom Of God

Let it be

I was going to write about how I'm ready for my whole life to change.It'll change when it does I need to be mindful of my thoughts as they create reality.A lot has already changed recently it's a process,my job is to accept and grow through the process as it unfolds.I want what I want when I want it,I can be so childish.I can try to have faith that the process is for my highest good,be in it and allow.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

observations at a party

Went to a party last night.Really saw the gamut encountered jealousy,greed,kindness and graciousness all in a matter of hours.it's always my decision what I leave with.
What I choose to pay attention to is the hostess was gracious and lovely an example of a successful unblocked creative it was inspiring.The man of honor was grateful and pleased that I was there and complimented me on being myself as an example to him.
That's what I choose to leave with,and remember.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Love is the message

In my heart of hearts I believe we are created from through and of love.
The challenges that are put before us are Spirit's way to help us become more of the light that we are.There are many challenges I've had to face time and again until I was ready to radiate in a more loving frequency.
It's easy to see others challenges instead of our own.I'm sure it's also easier for others to see mine instead of their own.
Taking the high road we love each other through the journey.
Gossip and judgment are not the high road.
Acceptance of others,myself and God's love and will is the message
The message is love.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Plenty

Is the glass half full or half empty?
Actually it's overflowing,I love and am loved.
Got food,health,work,purpose,community.

Do I have problems? Yes,big deal, who doesn't?
Do I have the desire and wherewithal to accept things as they are
instead of how I think they should be?Today I do.I will relish the day

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Observation

What I think or feel is going on isn't always the truth.When I'm in my head
and trying to figure out other people's actions and motivations I need to fetch myself up sharply and keep my mouth shut.Many times I just don't know.The more I mind my own business the calmer and happier I am.The mantra for today is just listen,don't talk...just listen.
This is where meditating regularly kicks in.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Remaiming open

I really need help with marketing my website.Getting mew models a photographer,marketing etc.
I've been talking about it,putting it out there and asking for help.
It doesn't work trying to do everything myself so I keep on putting it out there
and continue to remain open.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Putting myself first

If I'm not for myself who am I for? and if not now when?
When I put others needs before my own,and it's detrimental to myself
it's not serving me or them.If I don't hold love for myself I can't hold love for others.I believe that God's will is to treat myself with kindness and respect,and
coming from that place to radiate it.If I'm not coming from my heart it's inauthentic.
Change begins with me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Invitation

I'm making Thanksgiving this year,it was the thing to do.It seems to be growing by the day,as more people say yes my heart fills more.The more I'm able to extend the more I'm able to receive.
In recent months my heart has opened on a completely new level it's been frightening,challenging,painful,invigorating,unfamiliar and life affirming.
So many times in my past things change and after a while they go back to the way they were.I don't think it's the case this time.
Although it's new territory it seams the place my soul wants to reside in.I guess it's time to stop running and hiding from myself and my brothers and just be.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

New attitude

Trying day yesterday,but i talked about it some and feel somewhat better.Today the plan is to get some new plants,need some new life in the apartment.There has definitely been a transformation within me.I'm wearing a rubber band around my wrist to remind me not to act in the old way,if I do I snap the band.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

more is revealed

A friend of mine told me recently that I was needy.i sort of let it flow off of me.
It's taken a few days to realize as much as I hate to admit it he is right.{better than a few years]I tend to become the big titty or the force fed baby.It has everything to do with my primary relationship.Does explaining it away change it? NO.
I've been aware of it in a vague sort of way for a long time.
It's become a defect.It's okay to want to assist a friend or feed them etc. but I overcompensate.They freak out or run away and then i get to play martyr or victim.I've perpetuated this myth for a long time.This old way of thinking and acting is based in fear of people.{I'm not gonna get what I want, or it's going to be taken away from me}It keeps me isolated and in pain and alone.None of which serve me any longer.Now that I'm completely aware[finally] and have accepted it[not pleasant]what can I do?
Blame it on my mother?That only goes so far.It doesn't really work does it?
I need to change the behavior.I don't relish having to change the way I think or act.Does anyone? Is there an easy way out? NO.
The alternative[doing it over and over]isn't going to cut it.I wish to be free to love in a new way, to be less isolated from my true self and to be a better friend.
A big part of the answer is being offered to me,I think I'll take it.
THANK YOU SPIRIT
THANK YOU BROTHER

Friday, November 13, 2009

Foundation

The foundation is honesty.Am I 100% honest with myself and others? Am I hiding some truth from myself? Do I discuss what's going on the inside with people to get a fuller picture?
As I've gotten older and hopefully wiser I've become more honest.It's the only thing that works.It's more interesting too.
Open mindedness,I like to think I have all answers and know what's best,but i just don't so I listen to my brothers and to my heart and check out what I think is the next right move.When there's a habit that needs to be undone I act my way into right thinking.When i start having negative thoughts I fill my heart with love connect to the great heart and radiate the light.
Willingness,that has been my greatest blessing.The willingness to change and to take suggestions has morphed slowly into faith.
The only thing I have any real control over are my actions that being said I pray and meditate every day.Without it I'm lost. I show up for my responsibilities for myself and others,if I can't or don't I own up.
As far as my experience goes this is the basis of a spiritually based life.
It's taken many years and lots of practice,I constantly flounder,I've become an expert at getting back on the horse.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Doing what is best

I'm confronted with decisions every day.Yesterday i got a call for an opportunity concerning my business I have to say no one loves a get rich quick scheme more than i do.Do I forget my responsibilities to myself and people I owe money to and take a chance?
Not this time.in the past the answer was yes absolutely.I also had opportunities this week in particular to get out of myself shall we say,these situations seem harmless enough but are they in my own best interest? Or am I just pretending that I'm worth
less than I actually am? Am I pretending this time will be different?
I have to continue taking the high road until it becomes my habit.Do I want to sell myself short over and over? If I don't have an ideal and reach for it how will I ever get there?
Do I want what I want when I want it? Yes.Is it in my own best interest? Or do I just want to run away because I've had a tough time and I'm entitled? Only through self discipline will I become more of the light that God would have me be.Sometimes not having the slice of cake is it's own reward even though it doesn't feel like it.
Time to grow up.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Friendship

Yesterday I spent the day with a friend,when you are with someone you are comfortable with what's the difference what you are doing?
As the day progressed the conversation turned into what's my defect what's my asset?
This is what you do this is what you don't do.It was mutual.Can i see myself clearly without this information? NO.It came from a place of honesty,compassion and love,on both our parts.It's taken a long time for me to be able to let someone in to that extent and it's certainly been worthwhile.
I'm grateful that I've finally come to a place to let myself be seen.
Friendship is when people know all about you and like you anyway.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Don't just sit there do nothing

Day 2 of ceiling repair,Day 5 of resentment prayer.Took action toward a photographer and model to upgrade site.I always feel like I have to do something fix something move move move.Sometimes I'm forced to slow down and just be.I'm not the amount of money I have,I'm not my job,I'm not who I'm sleeping or not sleeping with.I'm not even what I create.I've done what I can do now I offer it to spirit.It's challenging to me to not work ,it's challenging to not play God pretending I am in charge.It's difficult to give myself the gift of letting go.Actually it's hard to receive the gift.Time to be gracious say thank you and enjoy the day.I have an idea of what I might like to do,but I'll let the day take me.

Monday, November 9, 2009

It ain't about me

I woke up this morning to the sound of workmen outside my apartment they are due to fix the ceiling today.it's far earlier than I usually wake up.Did not put me in a good mood.Yesterday was a day of listening to others[I'd always rather talk about myself]
So many times in my life someone says something or does something that rubs me the wrong way.The best way to keep peace is to shut my mouth.I shared very intimate parts of myself yesterday with people in the hopes that my experience could benefit them.as people have done for me.Maybe part of the reason I went through those experiences was to share the information and slowly realize that in fact I'm not as unique as I like to think I am.
In spite of the fact I'm an egomaniac and hypersensitive and would like to buy the delusion that the world revolves around my thoughts feelings and needs.I've slowly come to a different understanding.As foreign and ego deflating as it is most times it ain't about me.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Discovery

Today should be interesting.The landlord is finally sending someone to fix the ceiling.Today I have to empty the bedroom,an all day affair.I have an intuitive feeling that I'll rediscover some object or memories that I haven't seen or thought about in a long time. I'd rather take the day off.Who knows what I might dredge up.
The whole situation is probably for my highest good.I'm not in the mood.perhaps I'll make a discovery.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Birthday

Today is the day.I'm 46 and it feels good.I wouldn't trade my experience with anybody else.I've had a great life,and there's plenty more to come.I'm so grateful I've remained curious and enthusiastic about life.I have a lot of love around me and inside me.Things are getting better on the inside because I'm open to change.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Openess

Sometimes I find myself on the street with my shoulders
all crammed thinking negatively about one situation or another
that I've deluded myself into thinking I'm in charge of.
All i need to do is take action toward my goal and let it go.
It takes a lot of practice.When I remain open a new idea or thought has space to come through.When I remain open I can be helpful to someone on the street.When I remain open anything is possible.
Today is day two of resentment praying,I don't have to mean it I just have to do it.
And remain open.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Prayer

Many years ago it was recommended to me through a spiritual community that I start praying.I didn't really know if I believed or not.
I began to pray even though I had two hurdles one was the good people of religion,who spoke love with their lips but held hatred in their hearts.The other was even if I did believe in God I didn't feel God believed in me.[I sure didn't]
Part of the process was finding a God that worked for me,that was a long slow process.
I used to write letters saying things like if you are judging me you are fired and put God on the address and Jeffrey on the return.
In hindsight I think I discovered the good in myself,others and the universe almost at about the same pace.They were interlocked.
These days I pray a good part of the day.
I awoke very early this morning from a disturbing dream.It was based in a resentment I have. It's been recommended that I pray for this person for a month everyday,that they get everything that I would like.In the past I've had to be quite desperate to do this.The questions I ask myself are; Do I want to live in anger? Am I willing to let go? Would I rather be happy or would I rather be right?
I put it on my calendar 30 days.
The Higher Power,Higher Self sent me this dream to remind me what my hurdles were
holding hatred in my heart hurts me and my brothers.God believes in the light in my heart.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

seeing things in a different light


The ceiling above my bed is collapsing slowly.Literally right above my head.I'm wondering what is the universe telling me?
First off sleep with your feet where your head was and your head where your feet were.
I thought of the Hanged Man in the Tarot.the way I always see this card is look at things from an angle you never thought of before,see things upside down.Hang yourself on a tree and relax for a while,it'll come to you.
Lately when I've been angry[usually comes up at least once a day]
I've been going to a different place my inclination is to open my mouth and shoot myself in the foot.I usually end up hurting someone else in that process too.
Do I really want to do that? Is my need to express myself so great that I'm willing to hurt myself and my brothers?
Or should I sacrifice myself[EGO easing god out}and hang myself from a tree and relax.
I've been going into my heart connecting it with God's heart filling with light.and radiating the light I am.I have been doing this several times a day.I need to do it several times a day.
I've been attempting living in my heart instead of my head.
Perhaps part of who I think I am needs to be sacrificed for my greater good.

you tube rocks

Slow Start

It's sunny no reason to be lazy,can't decide on priorities today.
Put up an ad for a marketing asst last night,no replies.The best thing to do on days like today is just continue moving slowly,just make sure I keep moving.
I invite spirit in to show me the next right action.Good practice for living in instinct.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Full Moon


The full moon in Taurus[tonight] asks us to recognize that our instincts can harm or help ourselves and others.Consider the morality and value of our actions.Beauty is the attribute of the soul that blends love and wisdom to create compassion within,enabling us to appreciate the goodness in humanity.
This is a good time to intend new or renewed commitments to making changes toward spiritual,emotional,intellectual and financial commitments.
Build a strong base upon which to structure our lives and build a strong foundation for the future.

getting out of my head

Thoughts are not necessarily my friends.Last night I went dancing and I really let go.
Today I'm helping a friend move.The way out is through action.
I ask spirit to fill me with love.As i fill I ask spirit to allow me to radiate love.
What's going on in my head is some crazy shit.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

choices

Today is Halloween.I'm more excited than I have been in years. It's time to play
time to invoke spirit.we get to be vessels today.It's important to choose wisely.
I choose LOVE and playfulness.Have FUN.

Friday, October 30, 2009

phoenix

Hope

I feel good about today and the future.I have love in my heart and I want to spread it.
Aside from helping my brothers the best way I know how to do that is by creating.For some reason I generally feel more at ease and liberated in the Fall.Childlike in my joy.Feel like playing.Never to late to be reborn.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Inventory

In the past few weeks/months I've had to look at myself very honestly.It hasn't been easy or pleasant.I realized that I still have attitudes and behaviors that stand in my way.They keep me from being authentic and put a wall between me and others as well as a wall between me and spirit and me and my higher self.
Yesterday I did a lot of spiritual work with a healer/friend of mine,I released what no longer works and replaced it with LOVE.
These are the attitudes and behaviors that don't serve me or anyone around me any longer

possessiveness,victimization,neediness,resentment,feeling unworthy,expectations of others,entitlement,terminal uniqueness,anger,codependency,self worth based on others,control,scarcity.martyrdom

I was and am willing to face these fear based behaviors and attitudes and transform with Gods help.I just got sick and tired of doing the same things and getting the same results.I no longer wish to live in fear or isolation.
Please spirit help me to live in the light you would have me be.Once and for all stop playing God.
THANK YOU
THANK YOU
THANK YOU

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

putting it together

I started making these scarves,I have tons of oddball pieces of menswear fabric around so I'm sewing them together in strips and making them functional and beautiful.Yesterday I realized it was a metaphor for what I'm going through at the moment and many moments beforehand.How can I take varied experiences and make them into a whole? What's worth salvaging? What should be thrown away? What piece sings when it's sewn together with another?How can I put myself together and present it as a gift to the world?
For a long time my life had been fragmented,compartmentalized{everything would be perfect if I had money]Perhaps everything is the way it's supposed to be and always has been .When I truly offer myself to the universe to spirit to my brothers can I offer all of myself?Or do I pick and choose the best or what I think are the best pieces and present them as swatches?
So putting together these scarves I'm humbly offering all of myself to my brothers to God and to myself .Here's who I am please wear it well.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Part of the process

My back was beginning to give out yesterday,my instinct said lay down and I did.Not exactly easy for me.I let people know where I was at concerning the back and the emotional breakthrough I've been experiencing,and boy did the support come through.
I rarely feel alone these days.Not that I've ever been alone,But for many many years I felt that I was.In my old way of thinking I would go off the road and cry or make a spectacle of myself and insist I be carried.In this instance I allowed myself to slow down,didn't get in my own way and said to those around me can I lean on you for a little bit as we continue to travel? Being part of the group leading sometimes,following sometimes that's what works.Being seen and seeing,being heard and hearing.Self centeredness and terminally uniqueness is much more work than being a member of the chorus.Initially those attitudes were beaten out of me by spirit.It's not that they have disappeared I just did something else,it expanded my consciousness.
Is my back 100% better? No.Will I break down in tears today? Perhaps.Am I less delusional? I think so.

Monday, October 26, 2009

foundation

Both my heart and mind are very active in awakening new experiences these days.
Where are my feet?That's got to be my big concern these days something huge is happening ,I've been experiencing lots of gratitude and grief,as if shattered parts of myself are waiting to be reintegrated.I have smart feet,thank God,I have people I can talk to who understand.I pray a lot.My appetite is gone.I don't need to know where I'm going I just need to know where I am.The rest is up to spirit.Just doing the next right thing in front of me.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

rejuvination

Had a overwhelming day yesterday.This might sound odd but it seems my heart chakra is opening on new levels very quickly.I have been feeling sad,lonely,joyous,grateful simultaneously,can't control tears.I had to ask the angels to slow it down and for a restful sleep.I've been actively working[meditating] and intending on giving and receiving love.This is new territory for me it always felt safer to do one or the other.That generally led me to neediness or martyrdom.Neither of which work any longer.It didn't allow me to be whole or to interact with my brothers from a place of authenticity.It kept me isolated in a true sense,it seemed safe.Spirit wants me to go on an adventure,whatever shall I wear.Grateful for the pain and uncertainty.Enthusiastic,scared and curious as to who and what I'm transforming into.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

meditation

I have been exposed to the notion of meditation for a long time.Initially
all spirituality seemed very foreign,strange and something I didn't want anything to do with.
After all what did diety know that I didn't already know[arrogance].it wasn't so much that i didn't believe in God as God didn't believe in me[false pride].I wish I knew when that changed it was a long slow painful process[humility].
I got involved in a group meditation/healing about15 years ago,and I had quite a few mystical experiences.It took a long time to realize life is a mystical experience.
I started meditating regularly about 7 years ago almost as a dare.I generally get off my ass when things have completely fallen apart.[not so much anymore,we change].
Practically dared spirit to come in.Careful what you ask for.
My experience is practicing observing ones thoughts for a given amount of time becomes habitual.I've been able slowly to bring the observer into many aspects of the world I call Jeffrey's life.I'm comforted knowing that nothing is permanent aside from the deep silence that resides in all of us.These days I meditate daily it aligns me with myself with God with the Earth and with my brothers. It's changed the way I feel about the above mentioned and boy did I need to change.

Friday, October 23, 2009

truth

Had a hard time sleeping.Sometimes it's hard to shut my brain off.
I can't afford to live in a vacuum. I check my motives with other people
when I'm living in the truth.If I want to be the big "I Know" I'm in trouble.
It isolates me and I don't want to live in isolation.Sometimes it's painful
interacting or feeling,but it passes.Thinking I have all the answers or always see everything clearly is obviously insane.
I'm with you and you are with me,let's be honest and kind.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Comparing myself to myself

Only awoke a while ago and I've already had a day.
Meditated early to get out of my thoughts.Checked in with my
spiritual mentor[see being open]Had a cry.Now it's time to get productive.
Planning hats and shirts,just filling in for NY.
In the past I've looked around and compared my insides to others masks.That doesn't work.
We all put on our best faces for each other or so we think.When i realize that I'm doing good things for myself and I know the hell I've lived in and gone through and relived {through my own hand}.One day or a series of days you just get tired of doing the same old shit.So you bite the bullet actually feel the feelings you've been avoiding.Then I slowly changed the behavior.Not the thoughts first the behavior first{that changed my thinking}RADICAL!
So these days I compare myself to myself and realize that I'm living a miracle.
There are still challenges but I'm up to em.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Being Open

I usually don't write twice in one day.I believe we meet the people we meet and have the experiences with them that we have as spiritual lessons.Whether I like em or not doesn't have to much to do with it.We are all reflections of one another.If a particularly angry person or arrogant person really annoys me there's a lesson.
If I come upon someone sweet and loving there's a lesson there too.
Let's call it an opportunity for growth.
That being said I went somewhere tonight that was recommended to me.I didn't want to go but I made a promise.I saw people I hadn't seen in a long time and it was lovely.
I put my needs out quite publicly.
I'm looking for a mentor. One who has traveled the road longer than I have who has experience to share.
Tonight for the fourth time this month the answer was no.
Am I disappointed? Yes.Am i willing to continue this search? Yes.
"when the student is ready the teacher will appear"
Everything happens in God's time and God is always on time
My job in spite of being disappointed is to remain open

divine love

Went to a group meditation last night.
Was very profound for me.I've been on this journey for a long time.
for many years I've been able to love others in a sense the way divine mother loves her off spring.Last night I was able to let divine mother's love in and it was beautiful.I felt loved and cherished,I suspect being a loving being and giving so much of myself had plenty to do with it.
So the message for the day is...don't stop till the miracle happens.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Jump Start

It's easy to get overwhelmed.There's so much I have to do.All the thoughts and "shoulds" come rushing at me.In the past I have found it helpful to make lists with easy things attached to em.If i have a list of say ten things 5 of em are take a shower,make the bed la la la,Makes the harder things easier once I'm in motion I'm in motion.I also find it easier to do one thing start to finish as opposed to doing 2 or 3 things at once.My tendency is doing a lot at once.I make new habits by changing the way I do things.It helps me grow.I need to grow.I want to grow.If it means doing things that are uncomfortable,so be it.
I also need to go on record...I write this for myself first.One of my tendencies is to put others needs before my own.It's not a bad thing it has served me and my brothers very well.I just tend to overdo it.The prayer for today...
Please help me find balance between my needs and others needs.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Invite the goddess


Today is the day...
Invite the goddess. Allow her nurturing influence into your being.
Invite fertility and fruitfulness,creativity and sensuality.
Invite divine mother in to care for you.to support the creative efforts with

love.We are reborn every day.What can I create today as an offering?
Can I love my fellows as a mother loves her children?
When i offer selflessly today can I invoke mother's goodness?

Friday, October 16, 2009

Ideals

When I was down in DC there was this used book shop that
kept calling me,on my way out of town I stopped in and I got the book that was calling my name."The science of becoming oneself" by H.Saraydarian.

His first recommendation in getting in touch with our true nature is to be of selfless service.Sometimes I have a hurdle that seems insurmountable.If I don't reach for something higher how will I ever reach my goal? Gonna give it a shot if I fall I'll get up again.
"The Sons of men are one,And I am one with them.I seek to love not hate;I seek to serve and not exact due service;I seek to heal,not hurt."

Then think whom you can help today.First consider physical plane help,helping someone financially.Try to meet a real need physically.Without expectation of return.
Cut the grass
babysit
work for free

It goes on to say...For a whole month.try to do good work everyday for someone.And if you do this,you will see that miraculous energies start to be released from your inner fountain.
Couldn't hurt

Thursday, October 15, 2009

paying attention

Where is my attention?
Am I trying to control something out of my control?
Am I busy with someone else's business?
Am I listening to my inner voice or do I let my thoughts rule me?
Am i so busy that I don't take time to honor myself?
Is the higher power trying to tell me something?

The challenge for me is to slow down and breathe be in the moment and do the next right thing.
Hopefully writing this today will help [I definitely need help]

I've heard it said...
A miracle is a shift in perception.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The mirror

Many years ago the spiritual buzz as I heard it
was to look into the mirror and tell yourself "I love you"
I would roll my eyes and cross my arms.
When I was in enough pain and my own way[ego] was no longer working
I did finally look in the mirror.
The pain and shame were so overwhelming I could look but an instant.
As I've continued on this journey i discovered the way through the pain and through the shame is to go through it not around or under or above but through.
I accessed strength and courage and wisdom and patience,this is not a journey that I took by myself.I asked for a lot of help because I couldn't do it alone {I still can't]
nor do I want to today.I had to become part of something part of community and find the people who were able to love me in spite of my being unable or unwilling to love myself. They appeared as reflections of myself and I appeared as reflection to them.
We meet the people we meet and have the experiences we have as glimpses of ourselves and each other.
Being able to look someone in the eye and say from the heart "I love you" is a profound experience.being able to say it to myself enables me to give the gift of myself to others and to receive the gift back.
So in case no one has told you today...
I'm looking into the rflection of your eyes and seeing you and seeing me and guess what
"I LOVE YOU"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

walking together

A bit overwhelmed by the DC trip.
Sometimes we lead sometimes we follow.
It's good to know what road you are walking and who is walking with you.
I can get caught up in follow me or I'll follow you.
If I continue to be fortunate I can stop thinking I'm always the star and just walk alongside my fellows.

holding hands

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Light is information

What is the point of the journey?
I believe the point is to become more authentically who we actually are.
Spiritual beings having a human experience.

How do I interact with my fellows?
I invite them in,and give them a cup of coffee or a hug[etc]
My mother taught [and I knew instinctively it was very important]
Never ask a guest what they want or offer something putting them on the spot.
Just give.

What does one get from giving?
Sharing my self and sharing my stuff whether it be material or emotional
makes me part of something bigger.It banishes the lie that I'm more important
more spiritual,somehow different than my fellow.
It honors their spirit.It undoes isolation.For both or all involved.We are part of the same energy.You are my brother.It's not about me and God it's about me and you.

How do I interact with myself?
Can I accept that I'm part of this energy? Can I accept the gift of coffee or a hug from my brothers? Or am I busy thinking I'm different? Am I worthy?
How many lies and how much isolation do I need to experience to fully actualize as an authentic spiritual being?[plenty it seems]

My personal challenge has been the ability to give but the inability to receive.
Perhaps the biggest misconception of my life[thusfar]
If I hold so much love for my fellows,why am I denying them the opportunity to be more authentic? Why am uninviting them from the party?
Can I be one among many? Or is my need to be different so great that I'm damaging my spirit and in turn my brother's spirit?
If spirit holds so much love for me and I've been invited to the party,why not just go to the party?

If I hold more love for myself
and allow my brother to hug me
aren't I being more authentic?
A spiritual being having a human experience.

Fear is a lie
Isolation is a lie
Unworthiness is a lie

p.s. Meditation allows my spirit to observe
and discover my blocks to being who I actually am

Friday, October 9, 2009

Love is a frequency

I just got back from the greyhound terminal at Port Authority.
I purchased a ticket to go down to the march in D.C.
Can I afford it? No.Is it inconvenient? Yes.Do I enjoy bus travel?
Who does.
When the Goddess offers you an opportunity to love your fellows
to be of service to stand up for LOVE,you take it IMMEDIATELY loving is being loved.
It's not about thought it's about action.Gratitude is an action.
So in spite of the fact I'm working till 11p.m. and in spite of the fact I have samples to make and in spite of the fact I'm not in great financial condition at the moment I'm going.
With enthusiasm,gratitude and open heartedness in tow.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Color

I dye about 90% of the garments I manufacture and sell. Initially it was because it made me stand out from the other guys. Then I told myself it was because I could be efficient and buy lots of blanks and make em whatever I like.
What has been revealed through the process though is that color has energy and properties that are way beyond what's in this season or what matches what.
Blue has a calming quality.Yellow clears .Orange invigorates.
When I dye I live in instinct, either my feelings of love come through or the color influences my mood. It's become a relationship[ I never dye when I'm angry] It's full of joy and wonder. It puts me in a state of awe, I become a vessel. The process of creating colors has healed me, and there's no point in just healing oneself it's meant to be shared. Through sharing ourselves we experience our divinity.
The color that has always made me feel most safe and comfortable is green.
Let the colors speak to you,expand your concept of existence.
www.labelnewyork.com

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tshirts

I guess I'll start with how i got started...I'm a native NewYorker,so I've got lots of opinions and they are always right.Right?
My mother had a small dress/sportswear shop,if not for her we would have starved.
I would go with her to the garment center when I was a little queen[now I'm a big one]
and buy clothes,I had a knack for it and I paid close attention.This was the early to mid seventies.
when I was 10 years old.
Fast forward 2001 I finally get a AAS from FIT in Menswear.[at 37]
Then 9/11 happens and part of me dies with our fellow citizens.
I finally get out of my slump a year or two later but no one wants to hire a 37 year old queen with passion . Honestly the thought of sitting in front of a computer and doing some else's idea makes me want to tear someone else's hair out.[homicide is more interesting than suicide]
Walking through Times Square one day I see I Love New York Tshirts $10 for 7 shirts.
How depressing.Isn't anything sacred?
I bought em and tye dyed em and added stencils and made em crafty and fun.
Went out a month later and sold em to a store in Chelsea[Starting Line]19th st and 8th.
They ended up selling about 80 of em,and Label New York was born.Come by and visit at www.labelnewyork.com